Too Late

My phone lights up as I’m in the shower. I take a glance at it, and a message lights across the screen.

“I can’t take it anymore”

I scrub my body clean of all the dirt of yesterday, hop out, and reply.

“Haha. Yes, you can!”

 

I watch Netflix on my phone, and a banner appears.

“No, really, this life sucks”

I finish the movie and switch apps to respond.

“Yeah, mine too.”

 

I take a bite of my pizza for dinner, when my phone lights up again.

“I think I want to kill myself”.

My hands are too oily, and my screen too clean. I finish my dinner and start typing.

“No please don’t. We love you and we’re here for you. What can we do?”

“Haha you and me both”. I press send.

 

I sit on the rooftop, staring blankly at the stars. I open my phone and start typing…

“Hey, are you okay?”

But it was too late.

 

 

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Posted in 2018, Depression, Heartbreak, Suicide | Leave a comment

Shooting Stars

The first time I saw a shooting star, was with my head leaned against your shoulder. “Make a wish!” you shouted as you pointed  to the star with glee. Your eyes closed, and you held your breath in. They opened only for a second, and closed once more as you kissed me on my forehead.

The second time, we were laying at the beach, not wanting to move hours after watching the sunset. We were propped up on our elbows, and as it swooshed across the night sky, you turned your head towards me, held my face in your hands, and put your nose on mine. “Let’s make a wish together!”

The third time, we were stargazing. I was preparing the telescope, and you had your binoculars in hand. I took a peek. There it was, passing by Saturn. I could hear your infectious giggle from behind me. Before I could turn around, I felt you hugging me so tightly, swaying from side to side like a blade of grass. “You are my wish”, you whispered in my ear.

Tonight, I look out the window, hoping, praying, for a wishing star. I just needed one more wish, one more chance to get what I need — more time with you. And then the bright line showed itself on the night sky. I jump up and point at it with excitement. “Did you see that? A shooting star!”

No answer.

I turn back to the bed, and I see you gasping for air. “Make a wish”, you said, struggling to get the words out. I rushed to your side as your eyes began to close.

You inhale.

They opened for just a second, and I kiss you on the forehead. They close again. Mine follow suit.

You exhale.

I hold your face in my hands, and put my nose on yours. Tears fall down my cheeks to your face.

You don’t move.

I prop you up and pull you to me as I hug you, swinging you side to side.

“You were my wish… You were the wish that came true.”

Posted in 2018, Depression, Heartbreak, Love, Uncategorized, Writing Prompts | Leave a comment

Just The Tip

I hold it in my hand, like I always do.

It titillates my senses, and my mind rushes with thoughts on what I can do with it.

The notion is exciting, thrilling, demanding.

So I give in, just a little, and say out loud, “Just the tip.”

 

I position it just right, and take a deep breath of air.

I know what’s coming next. I guide it in slowly.

The all-too-familiar feeling creeps up on me.

I feel the flesh rip, the wound pulsating, the blood slowly trying to get out.

 

It’s painful, so much so that I wince.

But it’s this pain that makes me want more.

I want it all inside of me, right down to the shaft.

One inch inside of me, five more until I’m satisfied.

 

I long for the satisfaction of pain,

For the blood to come oozing out of my flesh,

My eyes to roll over in the mix of pleasure and agony,

And to lay down in a concoction of fluids and feelings.

 

But not today.

Today, I am in control.

Today, I will tell myself to stop.

At just the tip.

 

 

Just the tip

 

 

Posted in 2018, Anxiety, Depression, Writing Prompts | Leave a comment

Can You…?

Can you hear that? It’s the quick and shortened breaths I’m taking every time you come close. As if I’m suddenly reminded that what I have right now isn’t enough for me to live. I am in longing — and all I long for is you.

Can you see that? It’s my hairs standing on end. It’s every inch of my body suddenly aware of your presence next to mine. As if every part of my being decided it desires to be within your reach as you put your hand on my chest.

“Can you feel that?” It’s my heart, beating a million times a minute. My heart, that can no longer feel the seconds, but wanting each moment with you last a lifetime. My heart, that does not understand…

I can hear that. I can hear the words coming out of your mouth, telling me that this was not meant to be, and to think it was, was stupidity.

I can see that. I can see your brows furrowing, your head twisting away from me, a sole tear leaving your eye as mine start to close.

I can feel that. I can feel my hands reaching up to meet yours as it sits on my chest. As I grab it, as I try to hold on to something I love, you slowly let it drop, as if letting go of something that you already know you’ve lost.

Can you…? Give us one more chance?” I beg, I plead… and as you shake your head, I concede.

Posted in 2018, Anxiety, Depression, Heartbreak, Love | Leave a comment

The Rooftop

I wandered aimlessly to the rooftop.

To scream, to look up at the stars, or to jump down to my death.

I haven’t decided which.

Posted in 2018 | Leave a comment

Simulan Mo

Simulan mo.

Simulan mo ang pagtingin mo sa akin na parang wala ka nang ibang hahanapin.

Paniwalain mo ako na kahit sino pa ang makita mo, sa akin lang ang iyong damdamin.

Sabihin mo na kahit gaano kahirap at kasakit man, ako parin ang iyong pipiliin.

 

Simulan mo.

Simulan mo ang pagbubuo ng mga matatamis mong salita.

Mga salitang kapag narinig ko, ako’y magiging iyo na.

Na tila ako na ang kahuli-hulihang tatamaan ni Kupido ng kanyang pana.

 

Simulan mo.

Simulan mo na sa bawa’t parte ng aking katawan na iyong hawakan.

Hawakan na tila ikaw at ako lamang ang tao sa buong kalawakan.

Yakapin habang ako’y nakapikit at nagdadasal na hindi mo na ako papakawalan.

 

Pero huwag mong tatapusin.

Sapagkat kapag pumiglas ka na sa iyong pagtingin, may ibang tao at lugar ka rin namang sisilipin.

Sa pagtatapos ng iyong awitin, hindi rin naman ito ang tunay na laman ng iyong damdamin.

At ang pagbitaw mo sa aking mga kamay, ay ang iyong pagalis ng tuluyan sa aking buhay.

 

Simulan mo, simulan mo sa bawa’t aspeto para mabuo ang “tayo”. Ngunit sa pagtatapos nating dalawa, tila wala namang nasaktan, kundi ako.

Posted in 2018, Anxiety, Depression, Filipino, Heartbreak, Love | Leave a comment

Necklace

“Put it on” I hear a whisper in my ear as I stand, blindfolded. I hold onto the necklace and put it around my neck, setting it in place with a hook on my nape. “Now open your eyes”, the familiar voice ringing in my ear once more. I take off the blindfold, and see myself, feeling like I’m ten feet tall. And then the necklace.

My neck feels it, heavy but loose. It reminds me of how you are to me. Your part in my life is heavy, significant. But, you are loose, you give me space to grow, reminding me even more so of how valuable you are to me.

My fingers trace through it, the nerves on my fingertips tingling at the sensation that the jewels give me. Precious moments that we’ve spent together, when just like the jewels on the necklace, I feel like I have a  place in this world — and that is with you.

My eyes gaze at it, how beautiful it is, and how wonderful I feel wearing it. And then, as I am drawn back into the present, eyes blinded by my tears, I put this new necklace around my neck, sealing it with a knot on my nape. “Now open your eyes”, I whisper to myself. I wipe my eyes dry, and stare at the all-too-familiar mirror, the top of my head about 10 feet from the floor.

My neck feels it, light and tight. What once was a significant part of my life now feels like an empty spot.  With this noose, I have decided it’s time to go, reminding myself of how invaluable I am to the world.

My fingers trace through it, the nerves on my fingertips trembling as I feel the length of the rope. No more harrowing, painful moments. The jewels’ shine dulling to the promise of no tomorrows. I have no place in the world.

My eyes glimmer at the thought of it, and how happy I am finally wearing it. No more, no more. The plain, simple rope tied around my neck beats the expensive and elegant necklace you once had given me. I close my eyes one last time, and kick the chair from under me.

Nothing else to put on, no more open eyes, no more necklaces.

Posted in 2018, Anxiety, Depression, Heartbreak, Love, Writing Prompts | Leave a comment