Whole

It comes as a whole, on a day just like this.

When I’m filled with feelings such as bliss.

But it seems like my feelings have gone amiss.

It comes as a whole, on a day like this.

 

It comes as a whole, while I’m eating my meals,

They make me happy and full, oh boy, what a deal

But this can’t be overpowered by my little happy pill

It comes as a whole, while I’m eating my meals

 

It comes as a whole, when I open the door.

The only barrier from the outside world to my floor.

But even my house will not help me endure.

It comes as a whole, when I open the door.

 

It comes as a whole, the hole in my heart

On a day like any other, you tore it apart

And now I am left with it all bruised and scarred

I will never be whole, there’s a hole in my heart

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Posted in 2018, Anxiety, Depression, Heartbreak, Love | Leave a comment

Greenhouse

You’ve planted the seeds. Each one in a separate space, one in each little place of your heart. You make sure they have enough space to breathe, so none of them take up too much room, and harm each other. You were so considerate, but you left one in the pouch — the seed of our love.

You watered each of them every day. Each one receiving enough love from you that they can grow with you, grow in you. Some grew faster, but all of them grew. All of them, except for the seed that you left alone, striving to survive, and failing miserably.

You made sure they got fertilized, each one at a different time. Each one showed you their fruits, and each time you reaped the products of your love. You felt never-ending love, and they felt needed, secure, and important. All, except for the seed you left behind, only starting to grow its roots in the space left for the unwanted, the unneeded.

They all blossomed, bloomed, and bore fruits. All except for me. But here I’ll stay, unwanted, unneeded, hoping that one day you’ll see me. Hoping that one day, you find that your prized plants start decaying, and a replacement is needed. It is then that I’ll shine the most, from the darkest corner of your heart, and you’ll see me.

 

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Hope

I’m a hopeless romantic, so I hope.

I hope that every time I talk, it will be with you. With each ring of the phone, we rush to answer it as the rush of adrenaline fills our body. All of our life’s woes blowing away with the wind coming out of our mouths through the sighs at the ends of our sentences; and our unspoken goodbye, because once it is spoken, it becomes real, and we don’t want real.

I hope that when I see the dining table, you’ll be seated there waiting for me. Our souls filled with happiness while we engorge in each and every bite of the food laid out in front of us. While we chew on the bits of food, as we slowly digest the stories and give each other advice on our lives. We spit out the negative thoughts, because once we swallow them, they become real, and we don’t want real.

I hope that the next time I touch another, it will be you. We would run into each others arms and hold on to each other for dear life.  We’d sway from side to side, like we were dancing to the tune of our bodies. But we’d never do anything more, because once we do, it becomes real, and we don’t want real.

I’m a hopeless romantic, so I hope, even when I know there isn’t any. I hope that we do something about us, but you never did, because once you do, it becomes real.

And

You

Don’t

Want

Real.

Posted in 2018, Anxiety, Depression, Heartbreak, Love | Leave a comment

Thirst of the Body

I close my eyes, and my thoughts drift off to that night. Your hands on my shoulders, as we sit on the bed. You hold me in your arms, and I can feel the warmth of you emanate from your chest. Your breath on my nape as you exhale deeply, and push down for a soft kiss.

I catch myself holding on to that same spot, as I am pulled down to lay on the bed, on top of all your glory. I turn my head to put my ear on your chest, as I feel your heart thump, beating both for you and for me. You put your hands atop my head, seemingly to keep my head in place, just where I want to be. I count the breaths you take, in the rhythm of the rising and falling of your lungs.

One. Your ex lover has left you, he’s gone. There is nothing left with you but the memories of fun. You looked at me, and all you wanted to do was run.

Two. Just like you, I wanted to run too. But to the floor, my feet were stuck like glue. Though I desperately craved to, I was unable to bid you adieu.

Three. I stared at you, you stared at me. Suddenly, I saw from you could bend your knee. It seems from the curse, you were finally free.

Four. It was with ease that you could glide across the floor. With each of your steps, I begged, “more, more”.

Five. Suddenly, everything was on overdrive. As if the day didn’t have enough hours, so you made it feel like twenty-five. The rest of the night, I’ve put on archive.

Six. Our love felt like a series of magic tricks. The first of which is you breaking down my wall of bricks.

Seven. Too much bliss, I should feel like a felon. With a love like ours, it almost feels like we’re in heaven.

Eight. I snap to reality from my dream with a freight. It’s eight AM, I won’t make it to work, I’ll be late. It was on a day just like this, it must be fate.

Nine. It’s the universe’s cruel design. I turn around to see you crying, and I knew it was a sign.

Ten. You step away from our bedroom, my heart still in your hand, never to be seen again.

I lay back in bed, as tears well up in my eyes. It might have been you, my love, for life. But in your eyes, in your heart, and with your last breath with me, you said, “I’m sorry, It was just a thirst of the body”.

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It Gets Harder

It gets harder, for me to love you, and to not love you, at the same time. To act like I’m just your friend, but let the feelings rumble inside. To talk to you during all the late nights, but leave your mind the moment you feel alright.

It gets harder, for me to listen to all of your stories, when there are none of them where I am in it. To watch from the sidelines as you go off talking to the people I introduce you to. To return with a smile, as you look at me across the bar while your hand intertwines with theirs.

It gets harder, for me to give you advice, when all of them pushes you further away from me. To tell you how to win someone over, when my heart knows you don’t need any coaching. To teach you how to catch someone’s heart, when all that means is mine falling from your hands and breaking on the floor. To tell you how to make someone else the focus of your life, when all along, I wish for that first priority to be me.

It gets harder, for me to still be your boy space friend, when the space gets wider and wider every waking moment. To stop messaging each other freely, because your new boy-no space-friend doesn’t like me. To stop playing our little games, because you’re finally getting into something serious. To stop thinking my space in this world is next to you, because someone else is cuddled up at your side.

It gets harder, for me to let you go, even if you have a thousand days ago. To feel my lungs collapse, because having you was equivalent to breathing air. To feel my legs crumble, because without you, I wouldn’t have come this far. And to feel my heart stop beating, because before you, I never knew how to love.

Posted in 2018, Anxiety, Depression, Heartbreak, Love | 2 Comments

Aking Sinta

By:

Craig Manabal and

Bianca Vega

 

Magkaibigan lang tayo, masakit lang tanggapin,

At matagal hilutin ang mga sugat na tila nabubudburan ng asin

kasi kahit anong aking hiling, hindi siya mapapasakin

at ang mahirap intindihin, ay bakit sa sarili’y hindi maamin-amin

na sa kinabukasa’y isang bulaklak na walang dilig sa dulo ng hardin

 

Sa mundong walang katiyakan, sabay ninyong gawing kahapon ang bukas

nang sa amiy paglingon kami’y makakahanap ng bakas

ng aming pagmamahalan, namunga na parang prutas

at kahit nagsimula sa ilalim, ngayo’y napaka taas

kumbaga sa praybeyt skul, tumaas na ang antas

 

At bawat bakas’y may bitbit na ala-ala

na kung titignan nati’y sobra palang lala

ng mga pinagdaanan, para akong nauulila

kasi ako’y iniwan noon, parang sa puso’y merong bala

 

Samantalang sa mula’t sapul hiling lamang ay pagaaruga

Na sa iyong piling lamang makakamtan at di mababahala

Pagkat ang bituwin Ay maabot lamang sa kislap ng iyong mga mata

Habang naghihintay sayo, nagdadasal na kay Bathala

Na kahit anong balakid di na iniinda

 

Minamahal kita, hindi mo maintindihan

Kung mayaman lang ako, binili na kita sa tindahan

Kaso mahal ko’y kapos, kulang pala’ng isang daan

Para ika’y mapunta sakin at maging aking kasintaha

 

At tila di mawari kung paano mo maiintindihan

Ang sinisigaw ng puso kong para sa iyo’y walang katuturan

Sigaw na di kakayaning maunahan

Ng mga ibang sumusubok na ang puso mo’y makamtan

 

Ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo’y parang pagtalon lang sa bangin,

Kung saan ang nasaktan ay ang aking mahal na damdamin,

Pagkat akala ko’y sa paghulog ko’y iyong sagipin

Ngunit eto ako, nakangusngos sa buhangin

 

Walang pasubali ako sa iyo’y magpapaalipin

Basta’t tibok ng puso ko’y iyong dinggin

Kahit anong sikreto’t bulong, aking aaminin

Bigkasin mo lang na ika’y mapapasaakin

 

Di bale nang hindi pantay ang ating pagmamahalan

Basta’t hanggang dulo ay hindi mo ako iwanan

Pasensya na kung minsan napapasabak sa sapakan

Masyado lang kitang mahal, wag mong malilimutan

 

Kung bukas ang araw kung saan di na tayo masisikatan,

Sa aking puso at isipan, ikaw lamang ang laman,

Tahimik kong tatanggapin ang pag bilog ng buwan

Kung sa huling gabing ito’y, tayong dalawa’y magkasintahan

 

Posted in 2018 | Leave a comment

Just Like Me

It’s just like me,

To laugh every time you tell a joke,

Because the way you look when you laugh,

Makes the whole world want to smile.

 

It’s just like me,

To hold your hand when crossing the street,

Because a touch from you,

Would make anyone feel safe.

 

It’s just like me,

To hug you while watching TV,

Feeling your body around,

And warming the surroundings of my heart.

 

It’s just like me,

To catch you when you fall,

After all, who would want,

My dearest one to hurt and crawl.

 

It’s just like me,

To get dressed up for each and every date,

Why not dress for a masquerade,

To hide our greatest fears?

 

It’s no wonder you told me then,

You want to spend your life,

To love and to hold, forever more,

Someone who’s just like me.

Posted in 2018, Anxiety, Depression, Heartbreak, Love, Uncategorized | Leave a comment